Monday, September 12, 2011

Swimming To Antarctica


everywhere I turn it seems like I'm looking at the end of things. I feel caught up hard in the gears of the world. My kid is having a baby any minute now and up the street my grandparents are careening toward death at an alarming rate. 

The world is a magical place, but it's a mistake to think it has a personal regard for you. For any one of us.

i am all the time swimming in the waters of deep time, of limitless space, the cosmos, the utterly, incomprehensibly vast, and the vanishingly tiny, too. Quantum mechanics. String theory. Quarks and muons and the elusive Higgs boson. dinosaurs and plate tectonics, evolution, heredity, epigenetics. The nature of things. 

as if to soothe myself. not for any other reason than just to try to comprehend it. As it is. As it seems to us from here.

but i can't live in deep time or deep space. i can't be a cowboy or an astronaut. i can't hunt with a tribe of Neandertals in some french wood.

i got this tiny handful of years and these few beloved souls around me and this is the secret of it. 

what is it. to love without reservation or regard for the cost of it. to be stripped of every tender mercy and be ground up in the jaws of the great machine, and see your loved ones ground up, too. and to yet love, and to begrudge none of it, the grief and the pain and the measureless sorrow of it.

for you are given the great bounty of it as well. and free to do with it what you will, in whatever manner you choose. for as long as you've got the stage.

i don't know what the hell i'm talking about.


i claim i want peace but i seem to strive against it in my bones.


you want to be equal to what's asked of you. 

that's true.

i don't want to be found lacking.





Blogger Ms. Moon said...

Stop making me cry, you Tearful Man. You are trembling on the verge of a new state of being. That child will be born and nothing, NOTHING will be the same and your bones shall reestablish themselves within your body and you shall look at your love and you will know that your sparks have combined, yay, even into this next generation.
Until then, just breathe.
And continue to love.

4:43 PM  
Blogger Steph(anie) said...


And Amen.

4:52 PM  
Blogger Elisabeth said...

I've just come from Ms Moon,'s post, her words about being human, again, life and all the rest reverberate so well with this wonderful post. Thanks, Dishwasher.

5:11 PM  
Blogger 37paddington said...

"i got this tiny handful of years and these few beloved souls around me and this is the secret of it."

you say it perfectly. all of it right there. as someone told me very recently, we do what we can, that is life, we do the best we can every day, and our best may be more on some days than on others, but our best is always enough.

if that makes sense.

i am excited for you. and you are equal to all of it. i think of everyone on this planet, you may be most equal to whatever comes. you don't shrink. you don't quit. you stare it right in the face and then you do.

lucky women you love. and that baby, too.


8:48 PM  
Blogger Mel said...

In Away, Amy Bloom wrote "We live and we love the world...and kid ourselves that the world loves us back."

You are both poets.

This post grabbed hold of me real hard. I understand what you mean.

Hold on to all the love you can.
Hoping good things for that baby.
They really can fill your heart with enough hope to get by.

5:16 AM  
Blogger T. said...

These word are a tether, easing me back into a kind of faith, or whatever faith is possible.

They brought to mind these words by Thornton Wilder:

“There is a land of the living and a land of the dead and the bridge is love, the only survival, the only meaning.”

As always, my gratitude to you.

6:53 AM  
Blogger Judy Wise said...

Oh yes. Gratitude for words that reflect my own thoughts these days. Our time here so short and the emotions so wide.

9:25 AM  
Blogger deirdre said...

I always feel bigger when I come here, like a bigger man.

thank you for that.


9:34 AM  
Blogger JeannetteLS said...

Perfect. That's all.

5:12 PM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...

damn, you guys.

thank you.

i can't believe your generosity. I am so grateful to each one of you.



6:23 PM  
Blogger Claire Beynon said...

Scott - thank you. You roll it all into a ball. A ball that's a universe.

I watched this short vid. this morning and thought of you and Yo and Lu. . . Smiles all the way. Lu might look at her walks differently after she's had a look at this. . .

All best to you and yours.

2:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

and soon you will have baby poop.


4:51 PM  
Blogger Petit fleur said...

This post along with the photo belongs in a gallery somewhere. I'm not kidding.

It's poetry.

keep abiding.
peace, pf

5:40 PM  
Blogger deirdre said...

Hey Scott, I'm making my blog private so if you send me your email and Yolie and anyone else who reads there and wants to continue, I'll make sure the door is left open.

ps when is the baby due?

11:39 AM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...

baby is due early december.

don't shut the door before I get inside is all.



4:32 PM  

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