Friday, February 23, 2007

Skeleton Crew

This being alone thing.

I don't know. I guess it's alright. God knows I want to be alone often enough. But this is perhaps too much of a good thing. I don't know what to do with myself. Don't feel right. I am trying to just be with it, not fight it or wish for it to be something other than what it is. Trying to learn a little bit about myself when I'm not being reflected through someone else. It's odd. I feel invisible to myself.

I have to learn to see myself as more than a ghost. As more than a reaction to the outside world. Get corporeal.

With this school thing I'm totally unplugged from my artwork and writing. And I don't have my camera. I'm not into it now anyway.

I think of myself as an artist, a writer, someone engaged in the wrestling match with the world and the self. Of late I feel like one of the great sleeping masses. Not a spark of an idea in my empty skull, not a bit of heat in my chest.

Not dead, but not quite alive.

I suppose a fallow season is good. Something is resting, something else is getting ready to push up from the dark soil. It's just that I feel like the dried and dead stalks of last season's harvest, not the impending new growth.


This polygraph thing has got me pretty creeped out, too.

I can see into a place I shouldn't be able to.

Of course, the perfect new skill for me. Only reason I became a cop was to watch what you all were doing when no one was looking.


The only poetry I can stand to read lately is Dugan and even Gilbert I find too histrionic. Simic seems like a smart-assed dandy. Collins a wimp. Maybe I'll go read some of that Loudon woman. She's pretty tolerable and damaged and anchored in the wild green body.

Anybody else out there?


What do you do when you're alone?

I mean alone alone.



Blogger d. chedwick bryant said...

there are a lot of things to do when you're home alone, I like having the house to myself, when I get it.
everything is easier, doing artwork, meditating, playing music, cleaning, cooking, reading, TV, whatever, it is all simplified. and the world is right outside the door, so that's available.

It isn't a bad thing to spend lots of time alone if that feels right to you, and if you feel blah or ghostly, you know it is time to step out.

8:56 AM  
Anonymous jewel said...

if not watching a movie and i'm out in the world alone, like you, trying to enjoy it, i do much the same things that you do aside from the class. i feel pretty wierd too and wonder about the same things. why don't i feel comfortable? why am i not having the time of my life cuz i'm alone...etc.

afterwards, when you're not alone anymore, you'll hopefully appreciate the time.
: )

go to old town, it's fun alone. you can eat good mexican food.

10:29 AM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...

Hey, D. chedwick bryant-

Thanks for stopping in and for your comments. You're right. And going out is good. Esp. here where it is beautiful and warm and there is a sea breeze animating all of the palm fronds over my head.

I wonder, does scent do for you what music does for some and what visual art does for me? Can you feel it? Does it just smell heavenly or does it kind of take you there?

I've been thinking about this in terms of music- I'm a total idiot about it, but I wonder if our brains are just a little too crowded and when we hear some beautiful strain of melody it gets all mashed up next to our mood centers and all the electro-chemical activity just makes us confused and we think it makes us feel unbearably sad or tenderly moved. And is scent the same thing.

I hope not.

I hope it's all intrinsic.

Anyway. Thanks for stopping by.



2:40 PM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...


My class in right in the middle of the gaslamp. I'm making friends with the homeless that hang out between the ferry and the courthouse. But I've been eating at the mall, which is death itself.

So, Mexican on monday.



2:41 PM  
Blogger LKD said...

Alone alone?

I breathe.

I hold my breath.

I listen.

I see.

I pretend I am a window.

Alone alone is my favorite place
to be.

Alone alone is my favorite place
to be because it allows me the space, the silence, the grace to not be.

2:49 PM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...

Alone is a foreign language to me.

I can say "how much for the peaches?"

and "I would like to go to the hotel."

But that's about it.

I'm getting an immersion class for two months! Soon I'll be fluent. I'll be able to narrate a film or teach a cooking class.

Thanks for being a window to look through.



3:06 PM  
Blogger Radish King said...

I practice Bach.
I squat in the garden like a crazy old woman and talk to the mud.
I dance in my underwear and listen to punk rock.
I touch myself in ways inappropriate to the Catholic church.
I bake cakes.


4:34 PM  

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