Thursday, November 03, 2011

Coffee break is over, back on your heads.


It's that time again. Southnarc's Extreme Close Quarters Combat class. Three glorious days in LA, getting the fuck beat out of myself and rolling around on the ground with a bunch of violence-fueled apes.

What could be better?

Last year I went with my work partner. He claims I broke one of his ribs, but I doubt I did more than pop it out of joint or something. This year I'm going with my brother, the world's most dangerous man.

I may not survive.


I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. Last week at dinner with my mom she told me how when I was a little baby I was scared of absolutely everything. Not like my little brother, who took it all in stride. Anything that moved, I jumped. Anything new, I shied from like a nervous colt. I cried a lot.

She had to make sure to introduce things to me real slow so I wouldn't bust into tears.


I'm not much changed.

I put a brave face on, but there's still a nervous little poodle working the controls.


I don't know how to resolve the contradiction, and I don't guess I ever will. I fucking love to shoot and bang and fight, to kick doors in the pre-dawn dark, to hang it out over the line. There's nothing that makes you feel more alive than the surge of main-line adrenaline when your brain has turned the tap wide open.

And yet I'm afraid all the time of the simplest things. Anxious and sleepless over money or work or relationship matters. Forget about Sundays, man, the thought of going to work on Monday ruins the whole day.

A fucked up tangle of tough and lazy, clever and stupid, fearless and trembling. Like Private Joker said about Paris Island, the home of the fake tough and the crazy brave.

And at forty-seven, I should perhaps have these issues better resolved than I do.


At any rate, that's where I'll be for the next few days.

I don't know how that woman of mine puts up with me, but she seems decided in my favor. It takes all kinds, I guess.

I am damn lucky for it.





Blogger Lo said...

I am not quite sure what the hell you are doing this weekend, but I wish you luck and courage and no damage except perhaps a few proud bruises to show off to that wonderful woman..

8:11 PM  
Blogger Elisabeth said...

We are strange we people, this wonderful mix of strength and vulnerability and always imagining we ought to be better at living.

I reckon you have the mix just right, Dishwasher, in fact your blog suggests to me that you have got more than just right. Yours is a creative sensibility housed in the body and muscles of a man. You couldn't ask for more.

And such a wonderful writer.

10:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

she decided in your favor
because you
kick and scream
inspire your readers.

4:26 AM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...


A few bruises to show off to the woman is just what I'm after. Plus I want to shut off my monkey mind for a few days, and unequivocal combat is a good way to do that.

I think you got it right.



7:09 AM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...


Thank you so much for all that good stuff! Maybe I can't ask for more, but I always do. Ha.



7:11 AM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...


Well. That IS more.

Thank you for all of that, I'm keeping it.



7:11 AM  
Blogger 21k said...

You just have a freaking blast and don't hurt your brother.


What a life, what a guy. You got it all going on, we love it to death.

And how you were as a child? That's just amazing, god I love the contradictions - you said it brilliantly.


12:32 PM  
Blogger Ms. Moon said...

Well, conundrums. You know.

8:36 AM  
Blogger Sarcastic Bastard said...

I get the thing about the thought of work on Monday ruining Sunday. I do.

12:11 PM  
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