Sunday, October 23, 2011



Is the self a cage from which one should struggle to be free?


Or should we see it as a home?


Is it both things?


Maybe I should treat it both ways while I try to work through the conundrum. I can patch and paint the worn walls, knock down the cobwebs, scrub the floors, fix the toilet, open the windows to let in some light.

At the same time, dig at a spot on the floor with the spoon I hide from the guards under my mattress, take a handful of dirt out each day, working on my escape.


We watched "Inside Job" last night. A documentary designed to make you pissed off, if you weren't already.

I couldn't help seeing the behavior of the wall street investment banks and giant insurance companies, the traders, the politicians, the regulators, the insiders and money-makers, as inevitable. Environments are made to be exploited. That is to say, that the very function of life, of living organisms, is to exploit the resources of the environment as efficiently as possible. And that's all that happened.

It's just that those guys are parasites that live off our labor and our efforts and they are sucking us dry and they will keep at it until all of us are stone cold dead.

It's nothing to get mad about. It's in their nature.


Something we should probably take notice of, however.

If we want to survive.


I am not a big-picture thinker. Or maybe it is more accurate to say that I am not a big-picture actor. I don't really believe in protest, in sign-waving and chanting and all that. It irritates the fuck out of me, point of fact. I can't tell you how fast I reach for the knob when I hear some fucking yahoo shouting, "What do we want?" and then a bunch of outraged people shouting "PEACE!"


I got no patience for it.

I have a more contractive, isolative, individual reaction. I grow the hedge around my house higher and thicker. I dig the moat deeper.

Put more heads on pikes around the perimeter.


And inside the walls, I tend my private paradise.


I guess it's the same with my self, my ego. Barbed wire and trenches filled with gasoline on the outside, a gorgeous walled garden with burbling springs, redolent with the scent of roses and lilacs, abuzz with the sound of bees and birdsong.

All built on a giant raft that's headed for the falls, the mist rising and the roar getting louder by the day.





Blogger deirdre said...

I've been thinking for days about your post about cavemen (some massive simplification coming) living their basic lives for thousands of years and suddenly, almost within our lifetimes, everything changed, we changed our environment, the world we lived in so that the old rules suddenly did not seem to apply.

I had been thinking along those lines too but more about animals, how they live generation after generation with the same set of rules, passing on their knowledge of survival etc. But of course, you hit it on the head when you said, it happened to humans too.

So now, now we have this brand new environment, technology, structure that changes daily and the way we live with it, deal with it, approach it, is untested, unknown. Nothing our parents passed down to us and their parents etc can help when we're dealing with cellphones and microwaves and computers and Wall Street typhoons. Nobody knows what the poisonous plants are anymore. We're winging it, each and every one of us.

I love how your mind works.

8:29 AM  
Blogger deirdre said...

ps that picture is downright chilling.

8:31 AM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...


Yes, the animal thing. that is key to understanding the dynamic, i think.

we are they. winging it is right.

i am glad we are friends.



8:41 AM  
Blogger Ms. Moon said...

I'm letting you speak for me today. Hope you don't mind.
I couldn't have said it better myself nor can I.

8:44 AM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...

Consider yourself spoken for!




8:48 AM  
Blogger Elizabeth said...



It's a big world, though, despite the walls.

9:02 AM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...


Maybe the big old world is how come the walls.

I just have to make sure I keep a hidden door, so I can still get out.



9:06 AM  
Blogger LKD said...

I think the self is a cage.

And a home.

(But hey, even a home can be a cage.)

Sometimes you want to run away from it.

Sometimes you want to stay in it.

Sometimes you want to burn a fire in the hearth.

Sometimes you want to burn the motherfucker down to the ground.

11:44 AM  
Blogger 37paddington said...

meanwhile the wolf circles...

chilling work, ice and danger all around, and a serenity on the children's faces, no fear. they are at home in the self, and also home free.

you are such a complicated man. i like knowing you are inside those walls tending your garden. i, however, dream of waving that big sign, but somehow, i get up, get dressed and go to work instead.

takes all kinds, i guess.

i love that you are born the day before my dad. he didn't conform to shit that was expected either.


12:13 PM  
Blogger Birdie said...

My god I love that picture. Wow. Just wow.

1:19 PM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...


Amen, sister.

4:06 PM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...


I don't think i'm complicated as much as disjointed.

I see someone like you, all seemingly self-contained and empowered and throwing off love out into the vast universe, and I feel especially so.

But I know that you're just as screwed up as me, which I am also glad of.

all best-


4:07 PM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...


Cool beans.

Welcome to the fire circle. Hope you brought some beer, I'm almost out.



4:08 PM  
Blogger Petit fleur said...

Love it all.

4:50 PM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...

right back atcha, PF!

4:55 PM  
Blogger Lo said...

Your words and thoughts hit me like a guided missile......what a wonderful mind and a talent for expressing amorphous things.

I have been thinking similar thoughts but they were unformed and you have helped me give them shape and meaning. Thank you, my dear......and thanks to the marvelous Ms. Moon for guiding me to you.

I quoted you in my blog yesterday.....I hope you do not mind. I gave you proper credit.

"It's Always Something"

11:25 AM  
Blogger Steph(anie) said...

YES. A thousand times, yes.

11:28 AM  
Blogger 37paddington said...

self-contained and empowered.

god, i wish!

but thank you.

5:36 AM  
Anonymous Angie Muresan said...

I wish I had your sort of courage. To stand alone. Protect yourself. And not allow the world in.

10:01 PM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...


Welcome, and glad to see you here! I'm glad you found something of value, and I hope you'll keep coming around.

all best-


6:05 AM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...



6:06 AM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...


Well, it's true. And you're welcome.



6:06 AM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...


Welcome! It's great to see you here, and I hope you'll keep coming back.



6:07 AM  

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