Tuesday, February 08, 2011

Rendering




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There is yet goodness in the world.




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Though you be blind to it, it yet exists.





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Tomorrow I get to go to the range all day and instruct on the killing arts.


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I'm thinking all the time of my dear wife, doing her best to take care of her mom out there in the everglades or wherever the fuck she is. That state, I don't know.


She's a goddamn trooper, is what. I never met her equal. I could spend ten thousand years just hanging out around her. She wouldn't even have to speak to me.


I got it bad for her.


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Sometimes I feel like there is a really good, really centered and spiritually creamy person underneath all the layers of anxiety and worry and laziness and tooth-grinding stupidity I seem to be wrapped in. Most of the time I'm pretty sure that for every layer you might pull off there would just be another layer exactly like the last one. A bitter, nervous core under layers of bitter nervousness.


I'm damn near fifty and I still feel like a third-grader waiting for his daddy to come home and whoop his ass for failing arithmetic again.


What a sorry thing.


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Fortunately, I don't take none of it seriously.



Only thing I take serious is love, and you can take that to the goddamn bank.



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Namaste.



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25 Comments:

Blogger Ms. Moon said...

The core of it is always love. I love that you know that to your core.
I could stare at that picture all day and it wouldn't cease to delight and amuse and intrigue and scare me.
I wish you good shooting tomorrow. I wish you good sleep tonight, Tearful.

8:08 PM  
Blogger Elisabeth said...

You are an amazing mass of contradictions to me Dishwasher - put simply : love and guns - but this I also enjoy, the lives we lead and all their incongruities which show up so well in blogland.

8:59 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth said...

It's going around -- all that is sane and love-tinged with all that is dark and colored with blood. It's going around -- a mood in the air.

9:45 PM  
Blogger dottie kee bones said...

speaking of florida, i thought at first your art had taken place here. looks like here.

looks like my car just down the road.

but i sorta see mountains on the far horizon. that would never be this pancake state; limestone cake with sand frosting.

and we mostly don't do two-story homes.

but large sea animals cut up on the side of the road? blood on the ground? oars? butchers?

reminds me of my neighborhood. ah.

4:19 AM  
Blogger Mel said...

Another wonderful post. I'm going to look for my creamy center - it must be hiding under all these layers of awful I'm trying to shed. I've been dragging my inner third grader around for decades, she's getting heavy.

Hope your woman comes back to you soon. Your heart is as big as your mind. Peace to you too.

7:10 AM  
Blogger Gabriella Moonlight said...

Very true indeed!!!! All of it I feel and understand!

8:21 AM  
Blogger 21k said...

I can't get over you, you're an enigma, the most unusual person, a fire of contradictions, an artist, a cop, a man in love with his wife, a marksman, a poet, sensitive and brutal and spiritual. A thousand other things, with intensity. You really knock my socks off tearful. You really really do.

Thanks for all this, over and over again.
Now I'll be quiet again for a little while.
love, d

8:31 AM  
Blogger 21k said...

ps, I just noticed that one of your Elizabeths said the same thing. Ah well, your fan club speaks truly.

xo

8:33 AM  
Blogger Wendy said...

I'm so glad to have discovered a writer who, one day, can write that he has more knives and glocks than socks...and then the next he's saying that he takes love seriously. She is blessed for having a man built of so many layers, both delicate and macho. We, as readers, are blessed for your documentation of those layers. namaste.

9:05 AM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...

Ms. Moon-

Thank you for you good wishes. I did have good shooting today! And I slept like the dead last night.


always glad to hear from you.

7:39 PM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...

Elisabeth-

I'm a mass of contradictions to myself as well. But I think I do have a kind of balance, although it is a moment that passes as I run from one extreme to the other- somewhere in the middle I'm balanced, right?

and thank goodness for blogland, and you.

7:41 PM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...

Elizabeth-

Yes, dark and colored with blood. I hope you are feeling some of the love that is mixed in with all of the blood and shit. I really do.

7:42 PM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...

dottie kee bones-

it's funny, this piece makes me think of you. and your flat and blood-soaked land, nice homes built on top of untold layers of mad goings on.

always a pleasure to have you here.

7:44 PM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...

Mel-


I hope you find a little bit of peace. It's worth searching for, right?

always nice to hear your thoughts. that sounds stupid, but it's sincere.

yrs-


tearful

7:46 PM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...

Gabriella Moonlight-

Thanks for stopping by!

7:46 PM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...

Deirdre-

Okay, well, I'm keeping what you said. For the bad days when I feel like a lump of something ugly.


thank you, from the fireplace of contradictions that is my heart.

7:48 PM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...

Wendy-

I'm glad you get something out of this little place.

thank you.

7:48 PM  
Blogger 21k said...

And oh yeah, Rendering, is crazy, very very something else.

xo

7:53 PM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...

Right?

It's insane. I love it.


It's important to note that it is entirely not mine, except that I put it in this form, but the whole whale thing with the people is some real artist's work. I just put them in the street instead of on a beach.

I wish I had stolen the artist's name along with the image, but I failed to. And I can't backtrack how I landed on it, although I think it was maybe Riley Dog I saw it on, or This Isn't Happiness.

I think Riley Dog.


But I'm captivated by the work, it really gets at me.

8:24 PM  
Blogger 21k said...

I found it here:
http://www.feelmybicep.com/2010/05/20/les-edit-du-golem-fever-lulu-rouge-edit/

but that doesn't get you any closer to the artist. I love how you used it, at first glance I thought it was a crashed plane.

By the way - tin eye - does a reverse image search, very interesting tool.

10:08 AM  
Blogger Petit fleur said...

I love how you're so deliriously hot for your wife in all ways.

You rock.
Peace,
pf

8:38 PM  
Blogger Marylinn Kelly said...

Love and the words you find to express it. And not only here but in the comments you leave. Another fan.

4:35 PM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...

Deirdre-

I can't get tin eye to load for some reason, but I'll keep trying.

Maybe it was a plane crash. Plane carrying a whale.

It could happen.

10:46 AM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...

PF-

I am deliriously hot for her in all ways.

I'd have to be retarded not to be.


not that i'm not retarded.

10:47 AM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...

Marylinn Kelly-

thank you, dear. always glad to have a fan.

not the stalking kind, though.

10:48 AM  

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