Thursday, August 19, 2010

Dogface






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Anxious & depressed, I won't leave go of anything.


I have so far abstained from drink, which is, I suppose, something. Of late I have been hitting it a little harder and more consistently than is probably wise. It's become a bit like breathing. Automatic, and really desirable only when you stop doing it for a minute or two.


So, until the weekend I can just stew in my own juices.


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More than anything, I seem to want out of my own head.


I don't much like the company.


I am sick of my self.



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I know it's all illusory. It's just me. In my head, in my body. Nothing to do with the real world.


Except.


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It's the only world I got access to.




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Namaste.



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8 Comments:

Blogger Lyn said...

"It's the only world I got access to."


Wouldn't it be nice if we could leave our heads and hang out somewhere else for a while?

I'd like to.

I like your company. Blog away.

8:06 PM  
Blogger susan t. landry said...

well, in my experience, after a year or ten of not drinking, you really, really get sick of your self.
but it gets better. you finally figure out you can leave the room. sometimes.
i like that you allow us to look inside.

10:03 AM  
Blogger 21k said...

I love that dogface. And you. You're kinda just amazing, don't care what you think of yourself.

3:26 PM  
Blogger Marylinn Kelly said...

I don't believe we are intended to be mired in ourselves, though the accumulated goo can hold us in place for a long time and the voices that talk to us there do not have our interests at heart.

4:32 PM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...

Lyn-

Thank you. I probably wouldn't like being in somebody else's head any more than mine, though.

I'm just a cranky s.o.b.

5:11 PM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...

susan-


i get such a nice and laid back vibe from you. i don't know why it is, but i do.

and i'm glad for it.

one thing I do know is that i would like to sit on a wide porch with you of an evening and watch the sun go down and the night fall all around us as you tell me why and what for.

but i am always greedy in this way, so there you go.

5:13 PM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...

21k-

dear god. i have chosen to believe that we HAVE had a drink together, you and me and Jim and Rebecca, and that's it.

I have some hazy recollection of a dusky evening of tears and recriminations, all from others directed at us, and us not giving a good god-damn.

And I beat James at arm-wrestling.

And you beat me at gator wrestling.


And Rebecca beat us all at flying around the lamplight and baying at the moon.


Scorching her wings, etc.


Sometimes (mostly) I feel like the worst kind of imposter. Not here, or now, but when I am doing my real job.

Ha.

That, too, is a lie.


As Whitman would say, I contain multitudes. Or something like that.

5:19 PM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...

Marylinn-

I think you are right about that. That and many other things.


Thank you for you.


That is what I mean.

5:21 PM  

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