Thursday, January 07, 2010

Are You In The Possession?


A week into the new year.

Still working out. Still sitting meditation. Still doing yoga. Still resting the liver.


Still completely insane.


I feel on the verge of a great change. Unsettled. Restless.

I'm getting the crazy feeling that I'm having a midlife crisis.


That is nuts. But I've got it, man. Groundhog day. Little hamster on his wheel, spinning away the day. Expending great effort but going nowhere. There's a difference between knowing your limitations and feeling trapped by them.



I'm forty-five. And I like it. Shit, find a better forty-five year old, I dare you. Okay, I take that back. But I'm okay. I don't want to be twenty anymore. I'm not clinging to youth. I embrace where I am on the journey. I'm happy with the choices I've made, and I am content to claim my failures as my own. I like the lines on my face, my bald dome, my care-worn eyes.

The gut and the extra hair I could do without. But they're mine, too.

But something is stirring in me. A new kind of restlessness, an understanding of my own mortality that is physical and emotional, not just intellectual.

Is it fear? Longing? Blind panic? Despair?


In some ways I feel as unmoored and awkward and clueless as a teenager.



But the wife is kind of feeling it too, so maybe it is more about being empty nesters.

fuck if I know.

but something's afoot.


Namaste. I know, I know. You're lost, too. Don't feel bad, though.

We're in this together.



Blogger Maggie May said...

i go through this EVERY year in Winter. go on a mud hike in the rain, travel, wade in the ocean. these things help.

8:15 PM  
Blogger Mim said...

Yes, together. I hear your mind-spurts!

4:46 AM  
Blogger Mim said...

PS: Tearful, you give a real sense of being really alive.

4:49 AM  
Blogger LJCohen said...

That restlessness. . . sometimes it's painful in its intensity.

5:36 AM  
Blogger dottie kee bones said...

for my part, i think i've given up on some dreams - the impossible ones i still want but know i'll never have.

it leads to despair so i push thoughts of these things outside the blood/brain barrier.

i can feel them but i can't see them if i remain vigilant.

i'm 49. the end is closer than the beginning.

6:49 PM  

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