Are You In The Possession?
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A week into the new year.
Still working out. Still sitting meditation. Still doing yoga. Still resting the liver.
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Still completely insane.
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I feel on the verge of a great change. Unsettled. Restless.
I'm getting the crazy feeling that I'm having a midlife crisis.
Really?
That is nuts. But I've got it, man. Groundhog day. Little hamster on his wheel, spinning away the day. Expending great effort but going nowhere. There's a difference between knowing your limitations and feeling trapped by them.
Right?
Yes.
I'm forty-five. And I like it. Shit, find a better forty-five year old, I dare you. Okay, I take that back. But I'm okay. I don't want to be twenty anymore. I'm not clinging to youth. I embrace where I am on the journey. I'm happy with the choices I've made, and I am content to claim my failures as my own. I like the lines on my face, my bald dome, my care-worn eyes.
The gut and the extra hair I could do without. But they're mine, too.
But something is stirring in me. A new kind of restlessness, an understanding of my own mortality that is physical and emotional, not just intellectual.
Is it fear? Longing? Blind panic? Despair?
Yep.
In some ways I feel as unmoored and awkward and clueless as a teenager.
WTF?
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But the wife is kind of feeling it too, so maybe it is more about being empty nesters.
fuck if I know.
but something's afoot.
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Namaste. I know, I know. You're lost, too. Don't feel bad, though.
We're in this together.
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posted by tearful dishwasher at 7:57 PM
5 Comments:
i go through this EVERY year in Winter. go on a mud hike in the rain, travel, wade in the ocean. these things help.
Yes, together. I hear your mind-spurts!
PS: Tearful, you give a real sense of being really alive.
That restlessness. . . sometimes it's painful in its intensity.
for my part, i think i've given up on some dreams - the impossible ones i still want but know i'll never have.
it leads to despair so i push thoughts of these things outside the blood/brain barrier.
i can feel them but i can't see them if i remain vigilant.
i'm 49. the end is closer than the beginning.
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