I Am Yet Alive
So, resistance is in full swing.
I shall attempt to chip away at it.
First, thank you for nudging me back, each of you. And know that my turning away is not from any of you, but from this place. And not from this place, but from giving my life a public airing out.
I'm feeling overexposed. And the things I'm wrestling with now are private and I don't feel like pretending I'm not wrestling and I don't want to hide or lie. And I have to protect the privacy of those with whom I am engaged.
Blah, blah, blah.
In lots of ways I am happier than I have been in a long while. In lots of ways, I'm still stuck in the mud. I'm working hard and enjoying it. My home and my marriage are sanctuary.
My blessings are unending.
My art has come to a virtual standstill, and forget about writing. I don't even want to write, or miss it. I just want to be out in the world right now, and that's what I'm doing. I bought myself a stupidly expensive mountain bike that I ride like a maniac whenever I can. I joined a dojo and I am learning Aikido and throwing myself into it with abandon. I am ramping up my competitive shooting, trying to compete once a month at least. I am swimming and lifting and going always, always outside. Into the sunlight. The wind. The wide and wonderful world.
I am alive and I am determined not to be indoors.
I miss this place.
I feel the burden of my guilt.
But you are my good friends and I trust you all understand me. If you are reading this, I know that you do. How could you fail to?
I am an open book.
Our monk friend is visiting us again after a long absence. We are blessed to have him.
My troubles are but few and I am making a space for them. My troubles are singular and universal. I am learning humility and that I do not control the world around me no matter how hard I try or how much I want it.
What is can be no other way.
I am a slow learner.
If you care to, share with me how you have been during my long absence. I won't take your silence the wrong way if you don't.
Namaste, my good friends.