Tuesday, June 23, 2009

I Am Yet Alive




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So, resistance is in full swing.



**


I shall attempt to chip away at it.



*


First, thank you for nudging me back, each of you. And know that my turning away is not from any of you, but from this place. And not from this place, but from giving my life a public airing out.

I'm feeling overexposed. And the things I'm wrestling with now are private and I don't feel like pretending I'm not wrestling and I don't want to hide or lie. And I have to protect the privacy of those with whom I am engaged.

Blah, blah, blah.


In lots of ways I am happier than I have been in a long while. In lots of ways, I'm still stuck in the mud. I'm working hard and enjoying it. My home and my marriage are sanctuary.

My blessings are unending.


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My art has come to a virtual standstill, and forget about writing. I don't even want to write, or miss it. I just want to be out in the world right now, and that's what I'm doing. I bought myself a stupidly expensive mountain bike that I ride like a maniac whenever I can. I joined a dojo and I am learning Aikido and throwing myself into it with abandon. I am ramping up my competitive shooting, trying to compete once a month at least. I am swimming and lifting and going always, always outside. Into the sunlight. The wind. The wide and wonderful world.

I am alive and I am determined not to be indoors.


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I miss this place.


I feel the burden of my guilt.


But you are my good friends and I trust you all understand me. If you are reading this, I know that you do. How could you fail to?


I am an open book.



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Our monk friend is visiting us again after a long absence. We are blessed to have him.


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My troubles are but few and I am making a space for them. My troubles are singular and universal. I am learning humility and that I do not control the world around me no matter how hard I try or how much I want it.

What is can be no other way.



I am a slow learner.



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If you care to, share with me how you have been during my long absence. I won't take your silence the wrong way if you don't.




Namaste, my good friends.



***

6 Comments:

Blogger LJCohen said...

As always, your words resonate with me in ways and for reasons I cannot always articulate. It was a gift to find your words in my rss feed this afternoon.

I am well in my corner of the world. Working to handle the lessons life metes out with as much grace as I can muster. Some days are easier than others. No surprise there.

Counting the blessings every day, even the painful ones.

Namaste right back at you.

best,
lisa

2:52 PM  
Blogger james said...

thanks, scott. this means so much. and it's a tremendous relief just to hear from you again. lots of good wishes from here, to you and yours.

2:53 PM  
Blogger Premium T. said...

"My troubles are but few and I am making a space for them. My troubles are singular and universal. I am learning humility and that I do not control the world around me no matter how hard I try or how much I want it."

Thank you for this.
Thank you for coming back.

All the best,
T.

7:28 PM  
Blogger Premium T. said...

I keep coming back to the words above: "My troubles...."

They're getting me through some tough times.

May I quote you on my blog?

T.

5:22 PM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...

Premium T...

You don't ever have to ask. What's mine is yours.


All best-

2:49 PM  
Blogger Christine Carlton said...

Finally got a chance to surf around and catch up on a couple months' blogs... glad you're back! I'm back in california, getting my a$$ handed to me at a county hospital in the central valley... love it, love it LOOOOOOOVE IT.

Please suh... might i have some moh?

10 months to go... i can do *that* standing on my head.

Come to think of it, I may have to. :-)

9:50 PM  

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