Sunday, October 17, 2010

We Are Glory & We Are Damned




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From childhood, we seek approval from the people around us. Clean our plates, eat our veggies, go to church, tie our shoes, don't hit the cat like that, etc. It is a habit that is difficult to quit. At least it is for me. I do what my boss asks of me as well as I possibly can. I follow the rules, I clean my plate.

So when we are visited by tragedy, or folly, of the consequences of stupidity, and our 'normal' lives get turned upside down, it is natural to try to hide it from the world, from the others around us, who we fear will judge us tainted, or failures, or bad people.

But I have found that by being open about the failures and difficulties unfolding in my life, in my family, I really encounter the opposite of what I feared.

I'm supported. Encouraged. People I might never have had a real conversation with approach me and tell me their own stories.


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That's pretty cool.


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The struggles we are going through with the Wild Woman of Borneo are horrific. I wouldn't wish them on anyone, ever.

These struggles destroyed the structure of hopes and dreams that I once had for my child, for our family and our beautiful, soft-focus, tree-lined, music-filled happinessville future. Burned them to the ground, left a smoking hole at the center of my life.





Which freed me.




Freed me to see who she was. Not any of the pictures I held in my head of her, but as close to exactly who she was as I could see.


Freed me to love that person.


To love the life I actually inhabit, not some wished-for phantom.


To welcome brokenness and deformity and all the rest of it, to make a place for it at my table, and feed it the best I had to offer.


*


My life is not what it was before.


It is not happier.


But it is a deeper thing.





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Thanks to Ms. Moon for the inspiration for this piece.

19 Comments:

Blogger Angella Lister said...

ah, this the kind of freedom we could all have, if we were wise enough to reach for perfect acceptance of what is. i never thought of it this way but now i can. bless you and thank you for that wonderful comment you left on my blog yesterday. so glad to have found you here. i hope a little peace blows through soon.

8:15 AM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...

Angella-


Thank you. And thank you. And thank you.


Look forward to getting to know you better.


yrs-

Scott

8:33 AM  
Blogger Ms. Moon said...

I think there are things which may come up on the horizon which we glimpse and say, "No. I could not handle that."
And then of course...we have to.
And that's when we find out what we are made of and how the world really works. (Not by rules being followed and thus- happiness. I wish.)
It's hard, man. But I think you've figured it out- welcome it to the table and feed it the best you can.
If that's not wisdom, I don't know what the fuck is.
If we can't love the people we love as they truly are, we aren't loving them.
I am so honored you took my words and made art of them. Beautiful art.
Which I think pretty much describes your life as I am observing it from here. Taking it all and making beautiful art. With love.
Ms. Moon

8:49 AM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...

Ms. Moon-

Ah, if only following the rules brought a guarantee of happiness and order!


Thank you for the inspiration. I saw this piece complete in my mind's eye as soon as I read your words.

Except the words were tattooed on the chest of an old-timey strongman. I think it looks better on Miss Dallas, 1927.

All best-

Scott

9:53 AM  
Blogger Ms. Moon said...

I am in love with Miss Dallas, 1927 and I think she is as proud of her tattoos as anyone could be. They go especially well with her pearls and then...that look in her eye.

12:58 PM  
Blogger A said...

Those enhancements somehow give Miss Dallas the eyes of a dreamy sharpshooter....

3:17 PM  
Blogger Mim said...

Rapture of the broken-hearted . . .

Yours for tears and joy,
Mim

6:06 PM  
Blogger susan t. landry said...

long, hard weekend. some of which was hard because of accepting; talking about what was, instead of what should be, oughtta be, or might be. good to be back, reading true words. thank you, tearful.

5:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This understanding of freedom gets at something very deep. To me, your words speak about real-time enlightenment ... true holiness. Thank you Scott.
Mary

7:31 AM  
Blogger Marylinn Kelly said...

Waiting for the imagined outcomes, the reversals of misfortune, only lets the clock run out. Throwing our arms around what is turns out to be not the second-best choice we expected; nothing that is lasting or real can be constructed inside a fantasy. You have spoken it as I feel it. I hope it serves you well.

9:03 AM  
Blogger Lisa Page Rosenberg said...

Wisdom, expressed beautifully.
Thanks.

11:21 AM  
Blogger Photocat said...

Not as good a writer as most of the people here, but I think I know what you mean. In showing our vulnerable spots people can connect to us, and that is when they will give support. I hope life will become a bit easier for you and your loved ones, I truly do.
It's good to toss rules made for us by others, and install our own rules, we are after all the experts of our own body and mind... No mans land is always ending, it's a state, and continuously changing... Hold on to the grass!

4:55 PM  
Blogger all ways 11 o'clock said...

Scott - This is my first time here and what a post to come to.

It is a wonderful thing to come to where you are deeper and richer in your life. To see truths that change everyday is a grand thing and be open to reveal oneself his or her realself is a gift to everyone.

-the best to you.


~robert

6:04 AM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...

A-

I like the idea of a dreamy sharpshooter!

Mim-

Always a pleasure to hear from you. Thank you.



Susan-


Boy, my weekends too, have been slogs through some difficult, stubborn, painful territory. I'm sorry you had a rough one. But I'm confident you handled yourself with grace and strength, and will take what's there to be had from it.


yrs-


tearful

6:05 AM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...

Mary-


I don't know how enlightened it is, but thanks. I'm so glad for your company, always.


yrs-


Scott

6:06 AM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...

Marylinn-


Thank you.

6:07 AM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...

LIsa-


Thank you and thanks for coming by again. It's good to have you here.

yrs-


Scott

6:08 AM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...

Photocat-

Very true, very wise take on things. Thanks for stopping by.


yrs-


tearful

6:09 AM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...

Robert-

A pleasure to see you here. I'm glad you enjoyed your visit, and I hope you'll make a habit of it for as long as this place inspires you.

Welcome.


And thanks for the kind and thoughtful comment.


yrs-


Scott

6:11 AM  

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