Twilight
I feel about as mean as a snake right now.
I want to hit someone.
I don't much care who.
*
Sick of everything. Sick to death of it.
Not everything.
Just my little portion of it.
*
I know the world is stuffed full of goddamn wonders. I know it takes a paltry, flinty soul to mewl about petty unhappiness in the face of all that conflagration of blessings.
I know it.
*
As I'm rolling downhill in a hand-built go-cart, the wheels threating to clatter off at any moment, I continue to be amazed at the grinding mindlessness of the big machine, and yet enchanted beyond all reckoning at the pretty lights it throws off all the while.
I love it in the abstract and specific, but not in the personal. Or the other way around, I'm never sure.
*
I am consumed by the mechanisms at work on all scales.
*
I don't know why I am continually shocked at my own small problems and continue to labor under the illusion that they matter or have significance.
*
I should delete all of this.
Every word of it.
***
Namaste, begrudgingly.
*
Not really.
Not begrudgingly.
*
I want you to be happy.
I want the universe to shower you with blessings.
*
Which it is already doing without ceasing.
*
I want to hit someone.
I don't much care who.
*
Sick of everything. Sick to death of it.
Not everything.
Just my little portion of it.
*
I know the world is stuffed full of goddamn wonders. I know it takes a paltry, flinty soul to mewl about petty unhappiness in the face of all that conflagration of blessings.
I know it.
*
As I'm rolling downhill in a hand-built go-cart, the wheels threating to clatter off at any moment, I continue to be amazed at the grinding mindlessness of the big machine, and yet enchanted beyond all reckoning at the pretty lights it throws off all the while.
I love it in the abstract and specific, but not in the personal. Or the other way around, I'm never sure.
*
I am consumed by the mechanisms at work on all scales.
*
I don't know why I am continually shocked at my own small problems and continue to labor under the illusion that they matter or have significance.
*
I should delete all of this.
Every word of it.
***
Namaste, begrudgingly.
*
Not really.
Not begrudgingly.
*
I want you to be happy.
I want the universe to shower you with blessings.
*
Which it is already doing without ceasing.
*
posted by tearful dishwasher at 5:08 PM
2 Comments:
I wish you were here where I am now, you and Yolie and yours. Away from the hard horrible work you have to do, and taking for once instead of always giving.
I'm wishing you green shadows that are only thrown by palm trees on the cool side of a mountain above the sea and no menace in them.
You deserve that.
I don't know that I deserve it, but I sure would take it!
It's good enough for me to know you are there, soaking it all in. It brings that world flooding back to me.
Thank you for your kindness, Deirdre. It does me good.
yrs-
tearful
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