ratfuck

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My better half is at Esalen for the week. Thai Massage workshop. This Esalen place, you should see it. Nestled into the cliffside overlooking the dark, seaweeded, sea lion studded, rocky swirling beauty of the pacific just south of Big Sur. Lots of little wooden buildings, lawns and paths, organic garden, naked folks in the hot tubs down by the water, everyone in hemp clothing and dreadlocks and no makeup and bare feet, little woven bracelets and anklets and everyone when I was there dropping her off was hugging, very seriously and intently, and looking into each others eyes and nodding. Organic tofu and free range onion soup and garden greens for dinner and meditation and drum circles under the stars.

I'm making a little bit of fun of it, but I'm fucking jealous as shit.

You could feel the good vibe.

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As usual when she's gone, I'm at sea. 

I pace and whine and look out the window. I brood and drink. I flip the pages of my book and I have no idea what I've been reading for the past two hours. I eat hot dogs and pizza for dinner.

I jump on the bed for a while, but my heart isn't in it.

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Even Anthony Bourdain in Spain didn't lift my spirits, or make me want to cook.

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My kid, she's in a bad way, too. Her own thing, teenaged angst writ large. She's doing pretty well with it, better than I did at that age, but she's on edge and depressed and moody and we're both kind of throwing off sparks all the time.

I made the mistake of trying to talk with her last night, and it got ugly fast and pretty much has stayed that way. I backed off, trying to give her the space she needs, but the damage is done.

I am such a bonehead.

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I should take the dogs to the beach, but I'm reluctant to leave the house. Plus I don't want to be giving a bunch of dog baths. Still, I should. 

I should.

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The long, dark tea-time of the soul. 

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I'm really in the mood for "Kill Bucket" now. I wish I could be as stoic and comical and violent and quietly resigned as Beat Takeshi. 

Maybe I'll just dress in black and wear sunglasses and not say anything. Go stand by the water's edge and smoke a cigarette. 

That's what I'm doing on the inside.

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I look pretty cool.

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namaste.

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