Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Self Portrait with Wedding Ring


C'est moi.


I know I am going to die. I know. My wife, my child. My mommy and daddy. My friends and enemies.

I just don't believe it.


I just read Didion's Year of Magical Thinking, because it is about the axe-fall of sudden loss, which interests me. I did not like the book and found myself not liking her because she was too rich, too privileged, too precious for me to take her suffering seriously.

How fucked up is that?

I guess what that book showed me was that it really doesn't matter how tragedy and loss do their work, it always feels sudden, complete, overwhelming. I find it so compelling and strange that it seems such an insult when the wheel of life turns and crushes you beneath it. Like, "Man, I didn't see that coming!


You didn't notice it happening to every single other person on the planet since man walked the earth?



But we don't. Not really.

Not until it's our turn.


I suppose it keeps us sane. That peculiar kind of willful seeming blindness.
Keeps us paying our mortgages and fixing the roof.

Thing is, if we could only keep that horror fresh, in front of our eyes, see it for what it is, wouldn't that make our lives so much richer? But it slips away. I mean, I see truly awful shit every day, it's how I make my living. And I'm interested in it. I actively seek it out and study it, look at it hard, taste it, but still it mystifies me and won't stay in focus.

I keep thinking it's not really going to happen to me.




Next week I'm going to sunny San Diego for a week long class in investigating child abductions, the child sex slave trade, and child murders.

After I get back I'm going out to Front Sight for another four-day pistol class. I'm a lefty, but I'm going to go through this class right-handed.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Am I supposed to figure that out?

Meanwhile, other people suffer.





Blogger james said...

i hated that fucking didion book; same reasons, mostly. glad we agree.

2:32 PM  
Blogger dottie kee bones said...

my dad hated it too, so i put it on a back burner.

an old-y book of hers, play it as it lays is a cold big favorite of mine.

5:46 PM  
Blogger this time round said...

your class in san diego sounds rough. I appreciate that you so this, I can't imagine it's easy.

8:19 PM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...

hey, karen.

no, it's not easy.

i am glad you come around.

there isn't any easy thing worth doing, though, is there?

we love what's dear.

all best to you.

8:38 PM  
Blogger this time round said...

btw, I love your line drawings.

8:51 PM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...

Well, that just makes my day!

thank you. I was starting to feel like nobody even saw them.

hope you are well and happy, always.

8:47 AM  

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