Monday, February 06, 2006

Hanging out at Camozzi's

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I told myself this year would be my year of no purchases. That is, I won't buy things for myself that I want but don't need. We live pretty simply, and we've done a good job of living within our means, or more exactly, to the very limit of our means, but every year I find that there is some expensive thing I want, and usually I buy it. A laptop. Digital camera. Digital video camera. This cool printer. That cool scanner. Whatever.

This year it is Photoshop and the Canon 100mm 2.8 USM macro lens.

oooh, baby.


And it's not really for me so much as it is for my art, right? I mean, I'm using photoshop elements, I have no macro lens...I'm hamstrung by these limitations and if I had the full Photoshop and the cool lens, I could really jump into the kind of work I want to do...

See how it goes?


I don't know if I'll be able to hold out, but I'm thinking I should. It's got to be better for me in the long run to learn how to break free from the hold my desires have upon me than to give in to them time and time again. The school that our daughter is going to has as one of its slogans "Distinguishing between needs and wants." They believe it is an important value to instill in the kids, and I agree wholeheartedly. I can easily pass up new clothes, or a book of poetry, or music...but these items get me and won't let go.

I suppose I should be grateful for them. I can't learn to master desire until I am denying myself something that really has me in its grip.

*


I don't know how to understand this crazy world, but it's good to know that all of my best efforts are, in the end, only approximations of how the contraption fits together and where to put the gas in, where to check the oil... I do know how to love it, and for that I don't really need to understand exactly how it works.

It is a great and wonderful thing with which to wrestle, though.

Right now I am utterly convinced that compassion and lovingkindness are the key. And reckless loving- headlong, holding nothing back, not exactly fearless, but feeling the fear and loving without reservation anyway.

I have a long, long way to go.


*


I want the lens.


Can we make some kind of compromise?


Lets talk.


*

6 Comments:

Blogger LKD said...

It's been my experience that what I most want, I rarely need. And what I most need, I rarely want.

Which is why I'm convinced that my life's lesson, if I can ever learn it, embrace it, accept it, is in the lyrics to that damned Stones song:

You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometime you might just find you get what you need.

Here's hoping that you get what you need, Scott. And here's hoping that you want it.

10:23 PM  
Blogger 666poetry-finchnot said...

yes / scott / do it for the art


please




hope you are well





taking it easy / friend

congrats on yer cafe cafe nomination





~jx

12:02 AM  
Blogger whowelling said...

Your dilemma is one that I wrangle with endlessly. I find it difficult to decide what my needs are and whether those needs are real needs or just wants. I believe in kind of an Indian spiritual practice, that what you need will come to you. It's hard sometimes to believe, but it has worked for me. Another difficulty for me is my feelings of unworthiness, that I don't deserve good things coming my way. This has gradually been changing in my life, through effort and spiritual awakening.

love
Billy

5:51 AM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...

Laurel-

Thanks.

Finchy-

I like the way you think!


Billy-

Good to hear from you. And I think you are right there, that what we truly need comes to us. And like Laurel said, we'd better hope we want it.


Thanks, everyone.


Scott

6:19 AM  
Blogger Radish King said...

After spending 3 years being poor, I mean food bank poor, I thought, at one point, as soon as I found work and got healthy, I'd buy everything I could get my greedy little hands on. Especially shoes. And expensive underwear. What actually happened is I've become miserly. I feel rich beyond my imagination if I can keep my lights on! Paying bills is fun.

I'm not saying people should become poor in order to appreciate what they have. Poor totally sucked and having an illness (like epilepsy, say) and no insurance, totally sucks. It's just what worked for me.

Still, still, I have to drive the long way home (on the freeway as opposed to the back roads) from work on payday so I won't drive by and find an excuse (any excuse) to stop at Daniel Smith Artist Supplies, which is right on the way. With a really big sign.

xor

p.s. http://www.danielsmith.com/

8:14 AM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...

Rebecca-

Yeah, I admit it. Being poor sucked. It was the fear and anxiety that ate away at happiness much more than ever having to do without something. For me, anyway.

Now I am rich. Which means I can pay my bills. On time. Save some money. Survive an emergency. Maybe only a small one, or a medium sized one, but still.

I think waiting a year is a good plan. If I still want it a year later, then we'll see.

To switch topics- I hope you are feeling better. It is no fun to be that sick. Take good care of yourself and come back slowly to full speed.

Thanks for everything-

Scott

5:10 PM  

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