Failure

This week has been a dive back into the ugliness of the world. Last year I took this very creepy child molester off the streets, seriously the scariest guy I've ever dealt with, and I had to go through hundreds of hours of child porn videos and thousands of images as part of the investigation....an experience I would like to put behind me for good. So yesterday a bunch of us went out to his place to do a probation search. Of course, he's back at it. We arrested him and seized more stuff, nowhere near the amount we got last time, but enough for a new violation. The wrinkle is he now wants to go in, do his time, and come out with no probation- no search terms. Which he can do in a few months of time, versus the three years of probation we currently have on him. Of course, the only reason he wants this is that he wants to keep doing his thing, and he doesn't like having cops all in his shit, harshing his mellow and bringing a lot of negative energy around.... So, I did good, went out and caught the guy again, but now I lose the best tool I had on him. Its a frustrating lesson.

I know I'm doing all I can, but it is scary knowing that all I can isn't enough.

In addition, I have a bunch of cases all reaching crisis points at the same time. I could have used five of me today and still been behind by lunchtime. And I haven't been running in almost a week, and I'm not sitting meditation, and I'm not writing poems, and the roof needs fixing, and the back door still needs to be finish trimmed, and I want a damn martini but I'm on call this week. And SWAT training on Sunday, so only one day off for the week.

Listen to me bitch.


So, what about my understanding of the beauty of the world today? Doesn't that soothe me, don't it make all my troubles go sailing away? Well, Mr. Bliss? Mr. Milk of Human Kindness?


Yeah, not so much.


Okay, that isn't quite true. So lets look at this situation through those blissed-out eyes of a week or so ago. Yes, you are busy. Yes, bad things happen, and you participate in them. Yes, there is more to do than can be done at times. You feel bad. You aren't living up to your own ideals of proper conduct- neglecting your diet, neglecting your practice, neglecting your exercise, your writing, your home life and family, and these decisions are, in turn, making you feel even worse.

So what is the answer to your problem?

Drink more, exercise less, resist taking action, and grow more resistant and more unhappy and so on and so on?

Perhaps not the best choice.

So, perhaps, take a few moments tonight to sit. Fifteen minutes. And spend fifteen minutes talking to your daughter. Fifteen minutes listening to your wife, really listening. Fifteen minutes hashing out your problems on your blog.

Then go for a long walk in the cool evening air. Take the dog, take the wife.

Let your problems be your problems. Let them stay with you, make a little room for them. Don't be such a bad host to them.
Find out what they are doing coming around. Ask what they have brought you and what you can give to them. Don't be in such a hurry to send them on their way.

After all, more new problems are coming to take their place. Get to know these first.

don't forget to be good to yourself. meaning go for a run with Detective _________ tomorrow. Meaning breathe. Stop off at the beach on the way home from work and walk for ten minutes in the sand and just stand there and soak up the breeze.

Breathe.


Breathe.


Breathe.



That's it....