Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Failure

This week has been a dive back into the ugliness of the world. Last year I took this very creepy child molester off the streets, seriously the scariest guy I've ever dealt with, and I had to go through hundreds of hours of child porn videos and thousands of images as part of the investigation....an experience I would like to put behind me for good. So yesterday a bunch of us went out to his place to do a probation search. Of course, he's back at it. We arrested him and seized more stuff, nowhere near the amount we got last time, but enough for a new violation. The wrinkle is he now wants to go in, do his time, and come out with no probation- no search terms. Which he can do in a few months of time, versus the three years of probation we currently have on him. Of course, the only reason he wants this is that he wants to keep doing his thing, and he doesn't like having cops all in his shit, harshing his mellow and bringing a lot of negative energy around.... So, I did good, went out and caught the guy again, but now I lose the best tool I had on him. Its a frustrating lesson.

I know I'm doing all I can, but it is scary knowing that all I can isn't enough.

In addition, I have a bunch of cases all reaching crisis points at the same time. I could have used five of me today and still been behind by lunchtime. And I haven't been running in almost a week, and I'm not sitting meditation, and I'm not writing poems, and the roof needs fixing, and the back door still needs to be finish trimmed, and I want a damn martini but I'm on call this week. And SWAT training on Sunday, so only one day off for the week.

Listen to me bitch.


So, what about my understanding of the beauty of the world today? Doesn't that soothe me, don't it make all my troubles go sailing away? Well, Mr. Bliss? Mr. Milk of Human Kindness?


Yeah, not so much.


Okay, that isn't quite true. So lets look at this situation through those blissed-out eyes of a week or so ago. Yes, you are busy. Yes, bad things happen, and you participate in them. Yes, there is more to do than can be done at times. You feel bad. You aren't living up to your own ideals of proper conduct- neglecting your diet, neglecting your practice, neglecting your exercise, your writing, your home life and family, and these decisions are, in turn, making you feel even worse.

So what is the answer to your problem?

Drink more, exercise less, resist taking action, and grow more resistant and more unhappy and so on and so on?

Perhaps not the best choice.

So, perhaps, take a few moments tonight to sit. Fifteen minutes. And spend fifteen minutes talking to your daughter. Fifteen minutes listening to your wife, really listening. Fifteen minutes hashing out your problems on your blog.

Then go for a long walk in the cool evening air. Take the dog, take the wife.

Let your problems be your problems. Let them stay with you, make a little room for them. Don't be such a bad host to them.
Find out what they are doing coming around. Ask what they have brought you and what you can give to them. Don't be in such a hurry to send them on their way.

After all, more new problems are coming to take their place. Get to know these first.

don't forget to be good to yourself. meaning go for a run with Detective _________ tomorrow. Meaning breathe. Stop off at the beach on the way home from work and walk for ten minutes in the sand and just stand there and soak up the breeze.

Breathe.


Breathe.


Breathe.



That's it....

10 Comments:

Blogger netinous said...

I'm "MethMaker" from ezboard--you may've seen me at kitsch before--the moniker is actually referring to computer programming (i.e. "Method Maker"), etc.

It seems to me that despite all of the stress you're encountering you are approaching it very even minded--ideally, to be honest. To keep room even for some negativity is essential as well, but not to let that be quicksand. To me it also seems that you're living a good life, with good things involved throughout, family, home, work as a service (which you seem to be carrying out well), arts, and, of course, yourself.
The collage of Ms. Finch is priceless.
I'm glad you caught the molestor again. It is terrible that it keeps happening, but you've done good with your efforts to prevent it.

hope things ease for you soon

take care

9:50 PM  
Blogger OrphanedPoet said...

scott-- the system sucks. i'm doing such a burn here picturing that arrogant, sick fuck stating his terms, having worked it out in his head what he needs for the happy, non-obstructed continuation of his hobby- but scott, there's the system -- (which obviously fails every time despite dedicated, good-hearted, earnest people like yourself trying to get that two-legged horse to run) -- and then

there's prison justice, and i fervently hope this asshole meets up with it this time round. -
k.

4:56 AM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...

Hey, MethMaker-

You know, I was wondering about that handle...thanks for clearing that up. It's not that I thought you actually were making meth, or wanted to, but I did consider the possibility that you might have thought it sounded cool, or something....which is neither here nor there, I suppose.

I'm grateful for your response to this. I do try to maintain a balance, and the job brings to me a certain dosage of ugliness on a pretty reliable basis. And I both need and want that exposure. I think it is vital for me, although I don't think most folks need quite as much as I get. (Of course, there are millions of people who get a much, much more intimate view of human ugliness than I ever will from my vantage point of north american male white employed privelege.)

But, vital as it is, and despite the fact that I engage in this work freely and knowingly, aspects of it can threaten to overwhelm me from time to time.

Last night was a good example. But I feel good about working my way through it with level-headedness and compassion for the process, and it seems to work okay.

Anyway, I enjoyed hearing your thoughts, and appreciate them.



Karen-

The fact that this guy gets to keep walking around in our society is a testament to our tolerance, I guess. Our belief in rehabilitation, or our refusal to write people off, at least until they've actually murdered someone. Or several someones. But so far, as far as I can tell, he's just fantasizing about it and hasn't actually carried out his fantasy.

So, nothing wrong with that, right?

I know that there is, or must be, a larger, grander perspective from which his presence makes sense. He must be a necessary part of the mechanism.

But I say that people who will fight against him and his kind must be a necessary part of the mechanism as well, and I give myself permission to engage in a whole-hearted campaign against this guy. Within the boundaries of the law I am sworn to uphold.

Ah, the world is a wonderful, complex machine...all these different parts in play...


yrs-


scott

6:25 AM  
Blogger OrphanedPoet said...

in the next life scott, you will come back as an analgesic, and i shall return as a shiv. lol...

7:13 AM  
Blogger 21k said...

Hi,

First off, I just want to say that I love your blog and your collages. Also curious how you create them. Are they computer-made? Do they exist on paper? If you care to expound, thanks. I love 'em.

As to the writings, I am fascinated, both by the content and style of your work. I like the way you work through your thoughts as you pen them into the blog.

If this is any comfort to you, when I read of the problems you are facing it really puts my own minor stresses into perspective & ... you know...

so I thank you for that.

I hope feel good that you are doing something, no matter how frustrating it must seem. So many of us do nothing. But gape in amazement.

of course i'm talking about myself.

Ack.

stay well

deirdre

21kmupthevalley

8:22 AM  
Blogger Rae Pater said...

here in NZ now they've changed the law so that anyone convicted of child molestation is a marked man. Communities have to be informed when one of them moves into the area.

Try not to feel bad that you only got him away for tree years. Three years is a lot of kids you saved. Feel good about that.

3:15 PM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...

Diedre-

Thanks so much for your comments. They really mean a lot to me, and I'm glad you stopped by again.

As for the images, the backgrounds are photographs I've
taken, the foreground images are other photographs or clippings...there is some photoshop manipulation of color and image, but not much usually. What excites me about the form are the accidental connections that set off a spark of immediate recognition, and those 'moments' are usually what is recorded. The collages do exist as hard copy cut and paste works, that are then scanned in to my Mac.

I am having a great time doing them. I hope I can keep it up.

all the best-

Scott

6:03 PM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...

Rae Peter-

thanks for the good thoughts, and glad you stopped by.

I don't know what the outcome will be with this guy, but I know I'll do everything I can.

Thanks again.


Scott

6:04 PM  
Blogger netinous said...

It's really terrible to think of people like that & especially who does it to kids. Doubt it'd ever see the light of day, but anybody who ever molests or violently attacks a child should be incarcerated or put into an asylum until that child reaches adulthood, so the kid would never have to fear about that man doing it again.

With the name, "MethMaker", too--I feel bad about it somewhat, especially around people like you, to whom the word is likely a form of conflict, but have had it since I was 16 & have tried to change it several times, but guess too many people know me by it.

Sorry to hear you've had to go through all those videos & the evidences--that has to be a sickening stress--unimaginable, and to constantly have to think of that man while going through it. Glad you have family & what seems like a solid home to come home to & just live with.

take care

7:18 PM  
Blogger tearful dishwasher said...

Methmaker-

Ah, don't worry about yr tag putting me off. If my skin was that thin, I wouldn't stand a chance. But I appreciate the thought.


Yeah, the experience is one that I just can not adequately describe. But one that will never leave me.

It settled for me in a visceral way the question of evil, if I had any doubt.

Evil does inhabit this world. It walks and talks and buys potato chips at the 7-11. And how lucky I am that I get to do battle with it.

Anyway, I really appreciate the thought, the support, and the company. Come by any time.


yrs-

Scott

8:14 PM  

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